Has ths ever happened to you? You prepare a delcous, healthy meal and your kd takes one bte (or even just a look) and refuses to eat dnner. Sound famlar? It’s enough to stress out anyone! So I wanted to share deas on what do when when your kd won’t eat what you cooked.
What to Do When Your Kd Won’t Eat What You Cooked
We’ve all been there. You’ve made an amazng (Scramble) recpe and are so happy that you managed to get a healthy, delcous dnner on the table. Then your kd takes one look or bte and refuses to eat the dnner you just made. Maybe they say, “ewww!” or “I don’t lke ths!” or maybe they just move the food around on ther plate. Regardless of how t’s delvered, the message s loud and clear: I’m not eatng that.
So what do you do? Hop up and make them a dfferent meal? Send them to the ktchen to scrounge up somethng for themselves? Lose your cool and force them to eat more? Or, do you send them up to bed wthout any dnner?
I know a guy who’s mom forced hm to st at the dnng room table to fnsh hs food, even after everyone else had gone to bed. The only lght left on n the house was the one over hs head. To ths day he won’t eat broccol.
There s no doubt that these moments can be nfuratng. They can also be concernng f your chld really needs those healthy calores (a struggle we have had n our house). However, famly dnners should be about more than just the food so you don’t want t to become a tme of conflct.
So here are some tps for those moments when your kds won’t eat what you cooked.
Expect Knd Words
What we say n our house s that everyone has dfferent tastes, lkes, and dslkes, and that s fne, but how we express those tastes matters. Our kds know that they don’t have to lke the food, but they do have to be polte.
I suggest that you ntroduce an expectaton or rule that says “eww,” “yuck,” “gross,” or even “I don’t lke t” are not allowed at the table. If your kds need to say somethng, then “t’s not my favorte” or “I’m not a huge fan” are more polte optons.
There are two reasons why ths s mportant. One s that those words hurt. If you’ve spent tme cookng and then someone says, “yuck!” t stngs and makes cookng dnner more of a chore than a joy. The other s that when your chld knows that they are allowed to have ther own lkes and dslkes, the tensons at the table wll often dsspate (check out the ntervew I dd wth my own formerly pcky eater to hear n hs own words what ths experence was lke for hm).
Serve at Least One Food Each Person Wll Eat
It can just be bread or apple slces, but havng a “safe” food on the table wll 1) gve your kds somethng to turn to f the dsh sn’t ther favorte and 2) take some of the ntensty off tryng the new food because they know there s somethng they lke to fall back on.
Encourage an “Adventure Bte”
It s fne to expect everyone to at least try one bte of the food. In our house we call these “adventure btes.”
If they’ve taken ther bte and really can’t fnd a way to make t work, my kds are allowed to load up on the “safe” food. My younger son recently only ate the black beans out of a casserole that he found to be too spcy.
If you’ve got a kd who s really reluctant to try new foods, here are some ways to make t easer for them (and you):
Serve Food Famly-Style
Ths sn’t always possble f the dsh s super hot or hard to pass, but when doable, try to serve thngs famly-style. Ths wll allow the kds to have more control over how much they take and takes the pressure off you a lttle bt.
You may also be surprsed to see those lttle hands reachng out for more once they’ve tred t (ths s happenng more and more n our house and makes me so happy!).
You Are Not a Short-Order Cook
If you have gotten nto the habt of makng an alternatve meal f the frst one sn’t enjoyed, stop. Ths creates cookng burnout for you. It also sends the message that f they hold out, the kds wll get whatever they want.
Dnner s dnner and f they don’t want to eat t, they can wat untl breakfast. They won’t starve, I promse!
If ths represents a huge change for you, then take baby steps. Pck a “back up” food wth your kds that s somethng that requres no cookng, they can (deally) get themselves, has some nutrtonal value, and sn’t a favorte. Examples nclude an apple or banana, some yogurt, some cheese, or toast.
Breathe
The rejecton of the food you made can be very panful. Remnd yourself that your kds not lkng the food s not about you, t s about ther developng palettes. So try your best to change the dynamc and let t go so t doesn’t become a battle.
Remember: you are dong your part—you are provdng delcous, healthy meals—now they need to do thers.
Want more deas on how to handle dynamcs at the dnner table? Check out my ntervew wth my formerly pcky eater and 5 reasons to try famly-style dnng.
I’d love to hear your thoughts n the comments. How do you handle t when your kd won’t eat what you cooked? Does the approach above sound harsh or dffcult to acheve, or s t what you are dong already?
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Hannah
Tuesday 2nd of January 2024
Hello!
My 11 year old son often refuses to eat the dinners I cook. Instead, he just sneaks food later on. Do you recommend putting locks on the pantry and refrigerator? I'm in awe of these children who just accept going to bed without dinner. Wouldn't they just come back into the kitchen and take whatever they look when you're not looking? Of course we tell him not to do this, but he doesn't listen, because he's genuinely hungry. I don't think most people would be able to fall asleep if they were hungry. I find wrappers everywhere in his room, plates under his bed, etc. He will spy on us and wait until we get in the shower, go put the little ones to bed (we have 4 kids), or go to bed ourselves to take whatever he wants. What do you suggest in our situation? Thank you!
Hannah
Thursday 4th of January 2024
@Jessica Braider, Jessica, I can't thank you enough for your prompt reply. I'll be sharing your advice with my husband. We have been taking him to speak with a therapist, and she is working with him on his honesty and trust issues, but she is not a feeding expert. I very much appreciate The Feeding Doctor resource! Meal times have been a struggle his whole life. He is so loving, and also sensitive and intellectually gifted. This leads to him feeling BIG feelings which we are still learning how to navigate, especially around food. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder from 13 until the day I found out I was pregnant with him, our eldest, I am determined to raise children who have a healthy relationship with food. I don't want him to struggle the way I did. Thank you for all you do!
Jessica Braider
Wednesday 3rd of January 2024
Hi Hannah, Thank you so much for sharing what you are going through - I know that a lot of parents can relate!! Because I believe the goal should be helping our kids to build a positive relationship with food, which means learning how to manage behavior and impulses, I am not a fan of putting locks on refrigerators or cabinets. Instead, I would recommend sitting down with your son and having a very honest conversation about the patterns you are seeing. I would explain to him that you think he is old enough and mature enough now that you want to work *with* him to come up with a solution to the issue you are seeing. I would explain that for you, the goal is to have a relationship with each other that is based on honesty, which means that sneaking food has to stop, but also that you want to come up with a way to solve this problem together, so that there is trust. I would ask him why it is that he is unwilling to eat what is made for dinner - is it because he doesn't like the food? Is it because it is hard to sit still? Is it because he isn't hungry at dinnertime? Then you can start to come up with solutions. If it is because he doesn't like the food, maybe you can, together, come up with some ideas of options that can be on the table that he can enjoy even if he doesn't eat everything that is offered. Or, perhaps, you can come up with a food that, when he doesn't like dinner, he can get himself (that requires no cooking, has some nutritional value, and *isn't* a favorite, because then he'll just always choose that). If it is because sitting still is hard, then maybe you can find ways for him to get some energy out before dinner. If it is because he isn't hungry at dinnertime, perhaps you can look together at how to shift snacking schedules. No matter what, the point is to find a solution together, so that you can rebuild the trust and open communication about food. Finally, I would say that if this behavior continues, it might be helpful to pull a professional into the mix. Perhaps talk to your pediatrician or I am a big fan of The Feeding Doctor's work on this issue (https://www.thefeedingdoctor.com/). Hope this helps!
Abraham Alrai
Sunday 24th of September 2023
Here’s my two cents if kids don’t want or like the food in the first place, then why make it for dinner when there is sometimes other options: like send them to bed without dinner, say “fine we won’t make this again”. You can’t tell a child how to feel and what to say, if they don’t like the food they have the right to say “ugh” or “disgusting”
J.L.T
Wednesday 28th of September 2022
My GF 9 yr old son says he doesn't like anything I cook. He wants, pizza, pizza pockets, or some other form of quick fix food other that what is cooked. If you get him to try something he either refuses or cries until she gives up or he taste it and then says I don't like it. I have 3 children of my own who eat whatever is cooked or they now they go to bed hungry. This is causing a rift I'm my relationship and I don't know what to do.
Jessica Braider
Thursday 29th of September 2022
Thanks so much for sharing your story, J.L.T. It sounds like things are really tricky right now. Situations like this one, when there is a food sensitivity or allergy involved, can be especially hard because there may still be traumatic memories of food making him feel sick, which may be adding to his anxieties about food/reluctance to try food. In a situation like this, I would recommend a few things. 1) First, I would recommend that you and your partner sit down and talk with your son about what's going on - NOT at a meal time and just the three of you. He is old enough that he should be able to tell you what is going on in his head when he is presented with new foods. I would explain that this is a stressful situation for everyone and that you both want this to get better for him, but also for you two. And that you two want to work with him to find a way to get things to be better. Ask him: Is he anxious? What does he worry is going to happen? Are there ways that the three of you could make trying foods less stressful? Perhaps some good ideas may come out of this conversation, but don't make any final decisions yet. At the end, I would thank him for his input and tell him you and your partner are going to talk more and then talk with him again. 2) Then, you and your partner need sit down and talk to get on the same page about what the approach is going to be and agree to be consistent. That way the tensions can't build between you two and your son will get consistent messages. In terms of the approach, it will likely need to be a slow process. Maybe it is having him have the food on his plate first, then touch it, then lick it, then put it in his mouth, then swallow. Each at a different meal. Maybe it can be a little faster than that, depending on his openness. But the point is to make it as conflict-free as possible. Some other options to consider, presenting the idea that dinner is dinner and he can choose to eat it or not (perhaps with a try). If he doesn't eat it, then he is responsible for getting something that requires no cooking for himself. It should have some sort of healthy-ness to it (an apple, some cheese, yogurt, peanut butter and jelly, etc.) and NOT be a favorite (or else he might just go to that every time). 3) Once you have agreed on the approach, sit down with your son (again, just the three of you and not at a meal) and present the approach. Then I would suggest you give it a try for a few weeks and then do another check-in. A couple other things: 1) I am not a doctor and can't give medical or nutritional advice, so you might also want to check in with your pediatrician for ideas, 2) It's Not About the Broccoli is a great book that might be a helpful resource for you, 3) The Feeding Doctor (https://www.thefeedingdoctor.com/) also may have some great resources for you.
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